I was thinking over my last entry and the whole idea of perception of the world and I thought about it in a different way than I ever have, something that really made it more concrete for me. I’m sure it’s nothing original: lots of other people must have explained it this way before, but it was a small revelation to me.

One of my problems has always been not completely being able to accept that I have a distorted view of reality. I know that I do because I’ve thought I was dying every day in a row for months on end, and haven’t died yet. But still there was a part of my brain that said “hang on a second, you go to work every day and do a good job, people there have no idea of anything going on with you, most of your family has no idea, you’re smart and think about all kinds of impressive stuff, how can you be that wrong?” A valid question, I guess.

While I was pondering the notion of depression and anxiety colouring my perception, I took the phrase more literally than usual and the image of stage lighting gels pop into my head. If you put on a blue gel, everything looks blue and the scene is suddenly under water. If you put on a yellow gel, everything looks yellow and bright and sunny. It’s all the same stuff as before, but literally in a different light. I could suddenly see my depression and anxiety as a gel put over my view of the world.

Like I said, this isn’t anything like an original thought, but it helped me finally answer that nagging question. I was not that wrong: I was still seeing the real world, but through a filter that was enhancing some things and screening out others.