It has been quiet here lately. I’ve been quiet. Maybe because my mind has (mostly) been quiet. I haven’t felt any urge or need to write or talk. Sometimes the best way to deal with my problems is to “not worry about them” – so to speak. Forget them for a little while. Of course my little demons remind me of their existence now and then… but I’ve managed to keep them pretty quiet. My thoughts have been quiet.

And yet I have been troubled. I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time and generally I feel pretty good. To some extent I’ve managed to subdue the inner voice that is constantly feeding my fear of dying or getting sick. I hear it and it affects my mood but I can resist the urge to run to the nearest doctor or scream “I’ve got [enter your favorite deadly deciese here] and I’m going to die within five minutes!!!”

But I have been troubled. I started smoking again and that troubles me. I see all the things I have achieved in life so far and I don’t fully realize how magnificent they are – and that troubles me. I don’t feel content when I know I should… and that troubles me.

So my current mission is to experience content. That doesn’t mean that I have to stop pursuing new adventures. It just means that I have to learn to savour the moment. To experience the joy of achievement. To experience gratitute for what I have (which is a lot). And to feel lucky and blessed.

To reach content I will have to be positive. That is my next step. Turn negative thoughts into positive paths. Be thankful. Feel blessed. Think positive.

I don’t know why I’m crowding the interweb with these thoughs. I don’t know if they contain anything relevant or helpful to others. The only thing I do know is that they contain my personal experience. My journey. And maybe – in a sea of souls – there are others out there that share my journey and will take comfort from the fact that they are not alone.